But Donald Trump lies about everything, all the time, and the press could very well find themselves hustled to Mar-a-Lago instead for an announcement that Donald Trump has launched a new line of Trump-branded catheters. Or frozen meat. Or that he’s suing the Smithsonian because the guards refused to let him take one of the dinosaur skeletons even though he really, really wanted one.
If you believe the carefully curated rumors of the past few months, however, Trump has been wanting to announce a new presidential run for some time now. He’s been chafing at all the attention that people who are not him have been getting on the campaign trail, and actually wanted to announce before last week’s elections so that he could claim it was his announcement that led to the widely Republican-predicted “red wave” of victories. His advisers did not want him to do that, perhaps correctly intuiting that catapulting the seditionist criminal dirtbag back into the middle of everyone else’s campaigns would not go well.
They got their way, it seems—Trump did what they said, but now the election’s over and it’s time for captain seditionist criminal dirtbag to shove his way back to the center podium and announce that he is once again In Charge Of All Republicans.
He’s been preparing for this moment in the manner of his people: by shitposting. Or rather, shitposting-by-proxy.
You’re gonna see that gold-sprayed Trump troll thing in your nightmares tonight, and I’m sorry for that, but the sheer fascist energy involved in fluffing this incompetent, criminal Dear Leader into supposed alpha manhood will never not be funny.
This is the new way our betters will speak to us, by the way. The richest people in America, plus maybe Donald Trump, will each buy or create their own social media platforms so that they can compete with each other to repost QAnon conspiracy memes and smear whoever’s risen to the top of their daily-adjusted enemies lists.
The real news from Mar-a-Lago tonight, however, might be the guest list. A gaggle of mid-tier white nationalists, conspiracy promoters, and national traitors are claiming they have been invited, including seditionist crapsack Roger Stone. It’s a mob that appears to tilt heavily toward the most frothing of Trump’s sedition-backing allies, but among the prominent voices who will reportedly not be attending one of the Most Important Days In American History are Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump.
Are they avoiding the meeting because they think the Department of Justice might crash the party? Did Jared have a previous engagement with Saudi royalty? Are they worried that gathering up the people in America who provided the most support for a violent coup might be, as they say in the shoot-em-up movies, a “security situation” they don’t want to be within a mile of?
Who knows. Maybe they saw that gold-sprayed Trump muscle statue their dad tweeted and plan on spending a private night alone fighting off the dry heaves.
As for whether a Trump “presidential campaign” announcement will have much effect on the investigations into Donald Trump’s many, many, many recent criminal acts: it’s unlikely. Federal authorities will either have the spine to prosecute Trump for things that would land anyone else in America in a prison cell or they won’t, but the idea of Trump announcing a new presidential run specifically to discourage such prosecutions is one they’ve all had time to chew on. There may or may not be agents specifically eager to review tonight’s Mar-a-Lago security tapes to try to glean whether any of tonight’s guests walk away with a gift bag containing some of the classified documents federal investigators still suspect Donald Trump may have.
Will Trump really announce a new campaign tonight, or is this all a bluff? Will he instead insist that he’s been the “real” president all this time, and demand Biden step down so that he can move back into the White House? Will he announce a new line of premium toilets designed for the discerning seditionist mob? Who knows. It’s hard to care, really.
The leader of a violent coup against the United States government has something to say. Fair enough. And the rest of us get to say something about that as well.
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